Can We Have A Heart 2 Heart?

I have been in my own head so much lately I really Just need to get it out. It's only fair I share with you what's had me so disconnected and out of touch with you all.

So like this is what happened....

Lately I've been unbelievably stressed out with the amount of things I need to get done, done in a day. I read a super negative letter, took it personal then went on a tiny soul searching break. I've been listening to a bunch of #AskGaryVee Podcast and I decided to get very serious about his major to key to winning at life: "self-awareness". Like not figuratively, but literally. Having a tough, but sincere conversation with myself about like "what am I doing?" "what is my real plan now that i'm sick and don't have familial financial support to survive?" "who is really in my corner forreal forreal through negative checking account balances and 3am ugly tears?""My birthday, another year, has just pasted since I almost died, and what have I done with it?".

Obviously I started Spoonie Essentials Box right? Well like how is that going? Where is my "self-awareness" there? Is this a business or a expensive hobby? So far, truthfully it has been the latter based on operating cost, lack of proper marketing implementation infrastructure,  and revenue.

I don't need to read the hundreds of emails, cancellation notes, and angry comments to know that my biggest challenge (read epic failure) is shipping and delivery.

Even right now at this very second I am watching angry emails pop up in my status bar because October's box is late. When I stepped away I was so overwhelmed because it took me approximately 33 days to finish making all of the Swarovski Heart Spoon necklaces by hand. I have a form of 'arthritis' like symptoms from lupus nowadays, my hands hurt so bad sometimes from doing the simplest things, not to mention opening and closing 300 sterling silver jump rings. But see that's something I cannot help though it largely affects shipment and delivery. This is a perfect example of what makes doing this so hard, my diagnosis limit my efficiency a large portion of the time. And I know that it doesn't seem obvious because I mean that's the nature of chronic invisible illness right?

But I struggle just like many of you. I struggle to stay positive, I struggle accepting I am sick, I struggle to keep my head up, I struggle to complete simple tasks sometime, I struggle to stay grateful and focused on the "good things", I struggle with the physicality of making boxes, I struggle with believing that this will actually work. The point is I struggle too. The more honest with myself I am the more I realize that being aware of yourself fully and in all that means and coming to a place of acceptance is the real key to success and happiness. Not like accepting with a defeated feeling but in the 'be at peace with it kind of way'.

I know that it simply just takes me a lot longer than you all want to wait for your boxes and longer than I would like to get them finished to send out because of the little details I include for experience and I make a lot of the "sets" myself. I end up feeling like a failure despite busting my ass sometimes 8-9 hours in a row before I tap out yet you end up pissed because I couldn't deliver in time. The mind blowing thing is though, I don't even think you understand what a gigantic compliment that is. A few of you write me angry emails simply because you are so excited to see what I've put together for the month, and that fact alone is what honestly has really helped me reach a huge decision in my life. Like  perspective right? Who could ever be upset that people want you to hurry up because they love your concept. Like that's what it is all about right? Having an idea, trying to pull it off, and then getting people to buy in. In my humble opinion, I have a great concept but my execution isn't where it needs to be or where I want to be in order to actually be successful at delivering "a MONTHLY PICK-ME-UP" versus a "WHEN I FINISH PICK-ME-UP" and see this thing all the way through.

Balancing management of my chronic illnesses, graduate school, and being an entrepreneur is fucking impossible it feels like. Every day I miss the mark on something and it is a continual cycle of falling short in some way, I don't have the educational or background to address the psychological affects of that but I can imagine it's not good. I think because mentally I hadn't fully accepted that I am different than before I was diagnosed "forever sick", it's like I know some limitations exist but I don't acknowledge them for fear of being seen as liking or wanting them. For some reason I thought accepting meant I was defeated, when the ugly truth is accepting the reality of my circumstances (read perceived or real limitations/weaknesses) and doubling down on my strengths by focusing on what "I DO HAVE" is the real key to success, happiness, and better health because it is as simple as evolve or die. Not figuratively. Literally. I am in this all alone with thankfully 3 solid people (though not all geographically near) in my corner and Me, myself, and I. I accept that I'm not the old me and stop hating myself for what I no longer am and start counting my blessings for such an unconquerable soul. I'm a realist, I don't think acceptance will cure me of Crohn's, Lupus, Dress Syndrome, or Cancer*; but I think accepting I'm not the collegiate athlete political consultant 18 hours-a-day workaholic I used to be even on my best chronically ill days, is really the ultimate life advantage.

It's me not dwelling on shit that will NEVER EVER CHANGE--can't undo almost dying, can't undo psychological and emotional damage of it, can't undo adjusting to assistive devices or any of it. So getting mad at myself about what I no longer cannot do like for example--having the stamina of a college athlete to crank out 250 boxes over a week while going to graduate school by myself is not something I'm realistically capable of-- is a waste of energy and won't get me any closer to actually succeeding.

Here I am 11 months in to owning my own business and missing my delivery window enough times to finally check my ego and accept at one point in my life that may have been a possibility but I'm not there anymore, this model of me packing boxes is not sustainable health wise nor is it in customer retention and acquisition. I know this may seem like a surprise to you because of the "happy things" I share and do on social media. But let's be honest, I believe in "Never giving up and Never Surrendering" but I think the biggest part of that is accessing where you are in context and working within that space. Enjoying and appreciating that space and never looking back on what you feel like should have been yours. It's taken me 2 years and 2 months to finally see and accept that truth.

I'm sharing with you all first but I've decided to quit graduate school and go all in on Spoonie Essentials Box, it's time it stopped being an expensive hobby. I know the steps I need to take in order to better execute timing delivery and shipment, I need a professional fulfillment facility. I need to be able to create the concept, design the boxes, procure products and have them all sent to one place to have them packaged and sent off to you.

I haven't had the time with emails, with necklaces, with boxes, with counseling, with treatment, with studying, with class, with an on-campus job, with being homeless, with learning what I don't know about business. So I've cut the crap, accessed myself and am in the process of some major adjustments that will impact 2018 Spoonie Essentials 2.0. Im sorry it took me so long, but I'm so happy I've arrived.

As always thank you for joining me on my journey and believing in my vision, taking a chance on me and my plan to run with this "gift ideas for chronically sick friends" thing and run with it. It seems we hardly ever get around to things in the time we want too, but we get around to them in the time we need too.

Stay grateful. Do a self audit and see how maybe adjusting the way you view things may open you up to a whole new world of living for you.

Xo Britt