#SEBestLife

It has been said that I use my sickness to my advantage. While obviously these words cut a part of my soul I did not know words could penetrate. In hearing this I realized this person and others really don't fully understand the weight and depravity of such a notion. Nonetheless, it made me realize that there is a level of difficulty understanding invisible illness. Ironically it reminds me of the concept of faith, just because one does not see it, does not mean it is not there. The reality I face everyday isn't easily graspable because it is invisible. But the thing is, I am not invisible, I am not faceless and  my illness is very real , even if I myself have trouble accepting this.  In light of this, I am going to admit out loud what it is like for me to have a chronic invisible illness. I am going to try and explain the challenges that I face. I'm writing this down for you, and for me. Maybe in acknowledging what I endure, I am able to start 'cleaning out my clo

"I got some skeletons in my closet.  And I don't know if no one knows it.  So before they throw me inside my coffin and close it. Imma  expose it; I'll take you back to '73.  Before I ever had a multi-platinum selling CD". -Eminem.  There goes those song quotes again. It's something about music's ability to convey a feeling when you can't put your own words correctly together to fully explain how you feel. The music has the capacity to channel the emotions you're attempting to describe better than you can. Eminem's lyrics capture the essence of why I started this blog. I didn't really know how, but I knew I needed to start unpacking all my invisible baggage.  I endeavored to own my truths. To really start being honest with myself. To really start sorting through the war going on in my head. I needed something to help me better understand me. The ironic part is, I made a public blog, I post about it on Instagram and Facebook; but

I like to start my blog entries with definitions and oftentimes quote others at length to adequately unpack and tease out the deeper meanings of my truths. Clearly defining a word or concept, so that we are both operating under the same understanding of the term or idea. Therefore, fear, by definition is the unpleasant emotion  aroused   by   impending  danger,   evil,   pain,   etc.,   whether   the   threat   is  real   or   imagined;   the   feeling   or   condition   of  being   afraid. Keep that in mind as we proceed... also I'll note that I'm a spoonie so I have plenty of "Netflix & ill" dates with myself so I watch a ton of movies.  In the movie After-Earth Will Smith's character says to his son:  "Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present, and may not ever exist. Do not misunders

Over this last weekend I spent the nights partying and celebrating my birthday and the days throwing up, fighting extreme fatigue, experiencing water faucet diarrhea and an overall general "I'm miserable feeling". AND NO IT WAS NOT JUST A HANGOVER. I bet you're wondering "well why did you keep going out if you got so sick"? If you've read 'Forever Young' or if you haven't, it explains how last year on my birthday I celebrated in the activities room of my hospital floor while I was waiting to die. Thing is I didn't. I didn't die. I actually survived another year and have been blessed enough to age at least once more. Before I got sick I planned to go to Dubai for my birthday, but unfortunately that is not a reality for me. So my Dad suggested he purchase a suite in Vegas and fund a weekend of staycation celebration. Obviously I'm a grad student so a free birthday celebration sounded marvelous. Not to mention, I believe I owed myse