017: Fear.

I like to start my blog entries with definitions and oftentimes quote others at length to adequately unpack and tease out the deeper meanings of my truths. Clearly defining a word or concept, so that we are both operating under the same understanding of the term or idea. Therefore, fear, by definition is the unpleasant emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

Keep that in mind as we proceed... also I'll note that I'm a spoonie so I have plenty of "Netflix & ill" dates with myself so I watch a ton of movies. 

In the movie After-Earth Will Smith's character says to his son: 

"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present, and may not ever exist. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real, but fear is a choice". 

Awhile back I read an article from the business insider that said that fear, is usually the underlying cause of anger. For me the underlying cause of anger is hurt. Usually though, this hurt is deeply rooted in fear. The fear of being vulnerable, the fear of loss, the fear of the unknown. The fear of things we do not understand nor need waste our time pondering. Fear has a strange way of motivating us, while also paralyzing us, leaving us confused and bewildered. We don't even really recognize its presence when it's taken hold of us. 

Like Will Smith's character I've come to understand that fear is a choice. While eminent danger is very real, fear is a choice we subconsciously or consciously make. If I was owning my truth I would say that my fears are deep rooted in things my mind has created, formulating unfounded baseless phobias of things I have not yet experienced or may never experience. For example because of my illnesses I fear defecating on myself in a public place like on campus or while out dinning at a restaurant. While technically I have had an accident on the way to the bathroom, I have never actually had this happen to me. But it is why if I ever feel in the slightest that I'm going to have a flair I will not leave my house. I'm embarrassed to admit this to people so I'll just go MIA rather than tell them point blank "I'm scared I'll have an accident". I fear a potential partner not wanting to manage my illness in addition to "normal relationship" woes. Eventually leaving me because of it. So I've shielded myself from or self sabotaged many potential suitors. While I'll admit, no one has openly told me that they are deterred from pursuing an interest in me because of my illnesses, I fear this all the same. 

I can't really articulate these or any other of my fears, but honestly I know that I am afraid of things that aren't actually real. I logically cannot find evidence for many of the things I am afraid of. Obviously with the exception of not having my medicine or being given the wrong medicine again. Deep down I think most of my fears can be attributed to the idea that I somehow am not good enough. I am somehow less than and undeserving of good things because my illness is mine, and mine alone, to bear. If I was being transparent I would say that it is my negative self doubt, my insecurities that fuel my fears. My inability to be my own #WCW, my trouble with accepting and loving myself in all that I am. Sickness be damned. I give these negative thoughts legs to stand on when they should remain figments of my imagination or better yet, they shouldn't be in my head in the first place. 

I guess this entry finds its inspiration from movies. Because in talking about fear I think of the movie Coach Carter. If you are unfamiliar with the movie, throughout the film the coach (Carter) would ask one of the players Timo Cruz every chance he saw him; "what is our deepest fear"? Every time, until somewhere close to the end of the movie, Timo would look dumbfounded and answer "I don't know". In the end Timo realizes Coach Carter was giving him homework, he was encouraging him to Google or go to the library. Coach Carter was quoting Marianne Williamson like many great minds before him. In one of her books she says: 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others". 

She was reminding us, that fear has no place in our lives, or thoughts, or our actions. Williamson like FDR realized the only thing to fear about fear, is fear itself. We have nothing to fear in this world. We are beautifully and wonderfully made. Once we believe in ourselves, love ourselves, and practice positive thinking we can be whomever we wish. We can accomplish anything we set our minds to do however big or however small. 

Ox.