9 Practical Ways To Support Someone w/ Chronic illness!
As I become more open about my fight, people without Chronic Illness seem to ask me one of two things: 1. What's a cool "gift idea for a sick friend" or 2. "How to better support someone with chronic illness". The further along I get on this journey, the more I understand and appreciate the unique challenges us chronic illness warriors face and the more I see the concept of self care as a one size fits all does not apply to us.
When my boyfriend, friends, or family support me in taking better care of myself in practical ways, I feel better understood.
I can't say these work for everyone but coming from a place of love and understanding is the real key to being a supportive friend, family member, or significant other to anyone, but especially when you're trying to support someone facing things you can only imagine.
Here is the Spoonie Essentials Box: 10 Practical Ways To Support Someone With Chronic Illness.
1. Check in: The truth is many of us fighting chronic illness develop the habit of not staying in touch and not communicating simply because our lives have changed so much we don't know how to relate too well to "healthy people life"anymore. Reach out and check-in just to let us know you care even though we suck at texting, calling, emailing, and Facebook messaging sometimes. Checking in may seem like you're putting in more effort than your loved one, but by doing so you are taking the 2 extra seconds to make them feel supported and cared for in a practical yet easy way.
2. Listen: When we finally do reach out to our loved ones often times we are met with unsolicited advise, testimonials of new cures, and judgements to our coping mechanisms. Or somehow the conversation becomes all about the other person. Not sure if this is a chronic illness life thing or just a sign of unhealthy relationships, but when someone reaches out to just talk, try not to relate by using examples from your life in a way that makes their current pain, challenge, or victory seem unimportant or insignificant! One of my best friend's Kerri is the best at this, she says "Britt, I can't fit your shoes. All I can do is imagine and support how you best see fit. If I can't do anything else, I can listen". Sometimes we just want to bend someone's ear without the extra personal opinion bullshit, it's hard enough facing every day surrounded by people who do not share your reality, but it is much easier when you know you have someone whom you can lean on for support. This is a simple yet practical way to support someone with a chronic illness.
3. Be flexible: When I first got diagnosed there was roughly a 6 month period where all of my friends came to visit and we hung out at my parents house as I wasn't able to live alone anymore. Then eventually my friends faded. In the beginning this hurt, but later I realized our new dynamic wasn't the friendship they signed-up for. Look at it like this, before I was diagnosed I would be down to hike, have drinks, go dancing etc you get the picture. After I didn't feel much like doing any of those things and my interactions with my friends were more low energy and "inside times". Perfect example, my boyfriend may plan for us to do something like he did on my birthday. I didn't feel well and instead of making me feel terrible he'd went through so much trouble, he was flexible enough to enjoy a "Netflix Night-in". He understands that it's not what we do but whom we do it with. He understands that I may plan to do many things but sometimes my illness makes me a social flake. Being flexible is a very practical way to support someone with chronic illness.
4. Learn about our illness: Often times we fight illnesses no one has ever heard of, but a quick google search will give at least a basic understanding of the medical diagnosis. Arming yourself with this knowledge is a practical support tip because knowing what triggers flares, how typical symptoms present, and warning signs of complications will help you and your loved one better communicate through navigating treatment and coping strategies. The key here is not to become "Doctor WebMD", but rather familiarize yourself with your loved ones condition to better support them not Police them.
5. Don't join the "Pity Party" use it as a moment of encouragement: it's hard everyday, living with a chronic illness, sometimes it is a moment to moment kind of lifestyle. When it gets really hard, it can be tough to handle emotionally. If you see or detect that your chronic illness lovey is a little down, don't join the pity party but offer words of encouragement and support. Sometimes saying nothing if it can come off judgey is better. A major key to this practical support tip is being aware that everyone especially your chronically ill loved one could use a few words or actions of encouragement, love, and support. This may be supporting us by leading by example, like perhaps practicing positivity for a day or eliminating negative self talk. It can be difficult to support someone through sadness or stuff that doesn't make sense to you, but remember a little boost of encouragement is far greater than criticism or pity. In the long run this practical support habit will help develop healthier coping mechanisms over time. Another way to show that you understand and want to support your chronically ill lovey is too jump start their self-care with the gift of a Spoonie Essentials Box membership, and you can tell them about our $100 gift card in our GIVEAWAY. Who doesn't like free stuff? Lol.
6. Support versus Enforcement: speaking of healthy habits knowing the difference between being supportive and an enforcer is huge. You've taken the time to learn about your loved ones illness and now you know they shouldn't be eating chips or drinking coffee, support healthy habits by buying "healthier snacks" or a coffee alternative but don't become the 'Health Police'. By understanding our reality is likely different than yours, it's kinda like "dieting" right, sometimes "unhealthy" snacks or meals happen but dwelling on it serves no one. They did it, they enjoyed. Let's move on. Practicing this concept of quickly letting go of "not so good choices" after they're done and moving forward is a practical yet healthy mindset to help better support your loved one and as an overall life mentality right? Lol just saying.
7. Be present: in a digital age of being less physically present and more online present, showing up in person to spend time with anyone but especially your chronically ill loved one is a super important practical support tip. We travel to tons of Doctors Appointments, Lab draws, Infusions, Tests and so much more by ourselves sometimes. Having company on these trips or just when we are at home, every so often, is a great way to make someone feel like they aren't in it alone. Maybe you can't attend an appointment but you can drop by after work for a cup of tea or quick chat? Do it!! Don't allow the hustle and bustle of life to distract you from the things in life that really matter most like quality time.
8. Acceptance & Change: in my opinion many of my friends and family compare whom I used to be to who I am now. While many people are born with chronic illness or even develop it later in life, for me it is like people are disappointed in us because we don't meet their expectations. To make sure your loved one does not feel this way, even when it is not on purpose, keep that in mind when you find yourself frustrated or upset and check yourself to see if it is your expectations we are not meeting that is actually bothering you. Accepting for example that how we interact may change, because going partying, out to a movie, walking around the mall, or just talking on the phone everyday for hours at a time may not be something we are able to do (anymore). Try not to allow yourself to get stuck in the mental time warp where your expectations of your loved one are measured from the bar of their former selves or what you think they should be able to do. Even if that means that last week they could do it, but this week they need to rest more. Embracing and accepting that interactions change is a practical yet a huge way of supporting your chronic illness lovey.
9. The Long Haul: this may seem obvious but chronic illness is chronic. I find that many people have a mental expiration date of the new interactions, low energy, and 1000's of doctors appointments. The thing is, we have life long illnesses and we need you to be in it for the long long haul. Recognizing that this is our reality everyday, we will need encouragement forever, we will need support forever, we will need love forever, we will need your partnership in understanding that our fight is forever. This is the last practical way to support someone because it is the most important. No matter what you do, if you do nothing else remember that having a chronic illness is something that your friend or loved one will live with for the rest of their lives, and they would appreciate you and your relationship so much more if starting today you realize that we are "forever sick". We will have good days, we will have bad days, but everyday we need you, your love and support to keep going!
Bonus Practical Tip: Be patient. Whether exercising patience because we move slower or simply being patient with us as we cope with our illness. Just like many other aspects of life, we aren't always able to process, accept, manage, cope, or develop healthy habits that have a lasting impact overnight. Time is everyone's friend here, be patient in your support and patient in your ability to accept the reality of your chronically ill loved one.
Feel free to share any ways you support in the comments below!
Xo
Bonus Practical Tip: Be patient. Whether exercising patience because we move slower or simply being patient with us as we cope with our illness. Just like many other aspects of life, we aren't always able to process, accept, manage, cope, or develop healthy habits that have a lasting impact overnight. Time is everyone's friend here, be patient in your support and patient in your ability to accept the reality of your chronically ill loved one.
Feel free to share any ways you support in the comments below!
Xo
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