024: Dear Brittani--

I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this, I don't mean to sound rude but... you're a horrible person to be around now. You suck as a friend AND FAMILY MEMBER! Just so you know, No one can see your illness! Like none of us literally sees anything wrong with you. Ok you're skinny, but what girl in America doesn't want to be. Actually to be quite frank, it kinda sorta seems like you're exaggerating the severity of your illnesses. I mean c'mon, you don't even look sick enough to have CANCER, CROHN'S DISEASE, LUPUS, & DRESS SYNDROME. Like get over yourself and this ploy for attention. Like honestly, I hate your guts! You suck. Also, you're horrible at replying to text messages now. You hardly ever answer your phone, you never go out anymore. I hardly hear from you unless you reach out to me and it's so annoying. You really need to try harder to be a better friend. Insomnia? Are you kidding me? The bags under your eyes aren't even that big. 

You act so tough, but I saw you crying this morning. You're so behind in school, doesn't matter you're on independent study. You probably won't graduate anyways, just give up. Your hair is ugly. I mean have you been to the beach lately or something? You're skin's dry. Get some freaking lotion why don't you? This wearing sweats everyday and watching Netflix routine is not cute. Take a shower and change your clothes! Medical marijuana is just an excuse to get high. It's not helping anything. Mood and mental health don't count either! Chemo pills aren't nearly as bad as iv chemo, grow a pair! Telling me how sick you are over text message because it's too overwhelming to share it with me in person or by phone is not a legitimate excuse. You need to open yourself up before you're ready to apease me and all 15 other close individuals you need to tell isn't that emotionally draining or discouraging. Stop it. Like really, is it really that hard to cry all day and freak out about how you might die and miss the shit out of these people just so each and everyone of them feels special and valued? Exactly, next time buy a box of tissues and fill up your gas tank! 

Wow! So like 5 or 6 nurses missed when getting your blood drawn once? Don't you go every week? But did you die? I didn't think so. You realize getting remmicade infusions every other week isn't even that difficult. How hard is it really to sit for 4 hours in one chair with a tube in your arm? Most of the time by yourself because hospitals creep people out? Level of difficulty ummm 1? Pathetic really. Are you really that tired? Spoons? That's stupid. It can't possibly take that much energy to get out of bed. You burn maybe a calorie. Oh and don't you dare forget to comfort me, to convince me, to support me, and educate me on my ignorance because I refuse to be empathetic or do research on my own. If I don't easily understand it, if I can't see it, if I personally cannot feel it... it's not REAL.

News flash no one is ever going to offer you the apology that you deserve because no one owes you a damn thing. People will continue to pretend to be concerned about your well being when it's convenient for them. People will continue to magically make you being sick about them. No one will ever see how badly or deeply your pain goes because you will not show it. You will continue to have to be your own advocate, no one will ever care like you do. People will continue to forget your food allergies and constantly put your life at risk. No one will ever take your triggers seriously. The tremors and seizures are all in your head, give up trying to convince a soul it ever happened. I hope you really didn't think you were having kids, I mean get over that whole "can't take meds & carry a child full term" thing, then you just have to smile enough at a poor bastard willing to put up with all these doctors appointments, low sexual desire, boughts with fatigue, limited bland diet and battle with depression. 

I know you wish you weren't so lonely, for once just being able to be completely transparent and honest about how you're managing all this; but that moment will never come. Sorry to break it to you sweetheart but no one cares. It is your problem not ours, deal with it. You think the world owes you something. You think you deserve a little compassion? Why? Did you know a wild thing never felt sorry for itself? A bird can fall dead frozen to death, NEVER EVER HAVING FELT SORRY FOR ITSELF. 

Love, 

Your Friend Life.


*Note, all of this has been said to me over the time I have been diagnosed but there was no one individual person who inspired this blog or anyone who actually wrote me a letter*