022: Chemo

Truth is, I talk in riddles. Even in my abrasive straight shooter vernacular I tend to speak in double entendres. I can't help it. It makes communicating fun for me, but I've come to realize it presents a challenge for those in my fab 5 or anyone getting to know me. I give hints, I allude to what I may be feeling, but 9/10 it won't be the first thing I say.

I've always said I wasn't good at telling people I'm sick. But the truth is, I'm not good at embracing I'm sick. So telling people is hard for me because in those conversations I really have to embrace what it is I'm saying, how I really feel, and tapping into those emotions is harder than taking calculus in high school while having senior-itis. You following? 

So I found out last Tuesday that Donald Trump was President, and I had to undergo chemo therapy again. Obviously I was crushed, but I found comfort in how committed my specialist is to procuring a better quality of life for me. At first I was going to just keep this to myself, but then it occurred to me that the people that care about me most, deserve to know. 

So in true Me fashion, I sent a group text to my closest friends (fab 5), my relatives, even my parents. A few people responded via text sending their prayers and well wishes. A few people called to see how I was taking the news. One never replied. Another expressed their disappointment in my delivery and insinuated I may be exaggerating the severity of my illnesses. All in all, they all know. 

Part of me is annoyed that yet again I'm forced to think of others amidst my fight. But I love them, I have to be there for them too right? It's not just hard on me, it's hard hearing someone you love isn't getting better. It's hard embracing those emotions. I think it's linked to that fear I talked about, fear is powerful, especially the fear of loss. The other part of me though, realizes that they're upset because they care. The delivery mattered because they care. It all matters, and it's all hard, on everyone because they care. 

As I'm sitting here in the waiting room, for both a CT scan and my first treatment, I admit I'm scared shitless. Being a Graduate Student in public policy, I've started to compare things I've learned in class with real world application. This is like Econ, short run versus the long run. Chemo hurts. It promises a far better life in the long run, but that short run is a battle in the war. This isn't my first rodeo, so I know what's coming, but I'm still scared. 

What if it doesn't work in the long run and I suffer for nothing? What if I can't take the pain of the weaponry I'm using to fight? What if I get tired of fighting? I can't be the only one whose had these fears and concerns. They found the courage to do it anyways. They found the will power to endure. So therefore I must do it too. The competitor in me won't allow me to let them to get the better of me, to let chemo get the best of me. 

But really I'm doing it for them. I'd like to believe the world still needs me. I'm not done just yet. Plus facing fears cultivates growth right? Ha ha I crack myself up. Even while being dead serious, I'm making jokes. Just remember if I never ever say that I love you, just remember I'm saying I do, y'all are always in my heart. Know that from this moment, you're always in my heart and it's in writing! 

Cheers to this next chapter! May it bring me immeasurable life lessons. May my strength be tested but not broken. May my friends and family remain close and my motivation. May the peace and serenity of knowing you're loved be all of ours as we face each day. May the courage of a 1000 Marines be ours as we prepare to fight these battles together. And most of all may we all remember to smile, because a smile has the power to brighten even the darkest day. 

Ox.