013: Words Do Hurt.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Whoever said that, was a fucking lie. A bold faced, making shit all the way up, LIE! I don't remember the specific day I heard this as a child, but I know for a long time I really and truly believed the things people said to me didn't matter. They couldn't hurt me, because they were only words. Things that I had the choice to give power too or not. There was no insult, no demeaning or belittling statement, that could bother me. Well, so I thought. The truth is, my truth is, the things people say DO ACTUALLY HURT. 

This is going to get real uncomfortable, but bear with me... I'm just a woman with an iPhone confessing my truths, one key stroke at a time. 

I thought that while on one hand, there was nothing anyone could say that would penetrate my armor; and on the other, people usually said what they meant, and meant what they say. What people said to me and how they said it, didn't matter. Why should I be hurt by someone owning their truth? If it's true to them, then it must be true right? Well I've learned that isn't always the case. I've given people far too much credit. I've believed that people didn't lie, they didn't just say things to hurt me or for all intensive purposes to "get a rise, out of me". Buuuuuut, they do. I do. I say things from time-to-time just to see how someone will react. 

Since I'm being honest, then I'll admit, part of me absolutely wanted to hurt them--piss them off, annoy, or in some way or another get an emotional response from them. I've been passive. I've down played my emotions or even over-exaggerated them just to see how they would react. In accepting that I do this, I had to put on my grown-up pants and realize that people also do this. I wasn't special. I wasn't the only clever one in the world. People also say things that they do or don't mean to intentionally hurt you. Just as much as people say bad things, people even say good things, just to make you feel good even when they don't really mean them. I'll admit, for me this actually hurts worse, but the fact remains that words do hurt. The things people say hurt us deeply. They have the ability to cut us so sharply, the aftermath isn't even noticeable at first. 

When I first started the process of owning my truths I had a very uncomfortable conversation with my biological parents. Listening to them, I realized how a word or phrase can really stick with someone and cause hurt years after it has been said. It wasn't even the things they said to one another in heated, passion filled, venomous exchanges that they had been holding onto. It was things I gathered were said in moments of passive aggression. Moments of trying to deliver stabs or stings that really lingered in the depths of their psyche. 

We are human, we aren't perfect. In our imperfection we say things that can never be taken back. We utter unforgivable curses. We can quite literally tear a person apart from the inside out. We can say things that cause unintended emotional baggage for a person. We can talk or move past an initial conversation, but it's something about some things that people say that can stick with us. They stay with us so much so as to cause a dull ache, usually left unprocessed, and unaddressed. These hurtful words can cause us pain long, long, long after they have been said. I'll even be so bold as to say, long after forgiveness has been requested and given. There are things that people say that we can't get over, move on from, or let go of. 

I realize that everyone says things they don't mean on occasion. Shit people say mean things they do mean that hurt. People lie, they protect themselves from their realities. They lie to feel better, to make other people feel better. Everyone lies. I do mean everyone. Men, women, teachers, doctors, husbands, wives, preachers, friends; everyone! They tell the feel good kind of white lies like "you look nice today", and the feel bad kind of lies like "I never loved you". While we all lie, the feel bad lies are said with the specific purpose of hurting. Sometimes the intention is to just sting a person a bit. Get back at them. Whatever reason you can conjure, someone somewhere has said something mean because of it.  But the thing is, you can't predict or determine how deeply something you say will cut someone. You can't measure how easily or how harshly they'll take it. 

I want to say that this undoubtedly falls into the "hurt people, hurt people" category. But I'd be lying to you and myself if I said I thought that was the only specific reason. Some people, likely the psychopath--sociopath types do say mean and good things just to hurt people. I couldn't tell you honestly, and I won't pretend to fathom the depths of depravity that people go when they are hurting. But I will say, that more often then not, a hurt person will hurt people in the midst of their hurt. Whether they meant too or not. I know I've done it. Sometimes not even with complete malicious intent, I'd like to think I was just passively aggressively throwing a jab. I was reminding them, they too could be touched. Their feelings could just as easily be hurt as mine were. 

There's something about the hurt that comes with realizing you've been lied too, your trust violated, and your vulnerability taken advantage of. I know I've felt manipulated. Tricked. Hoodwinked. I initially feel angry, livid. But I know that anger is just the tip of the ice berg. It's the most basic human emotion to muster. Really, I'm hurt. I'm offended that someone thought so little of me, someone's respect for me was so minuscule that they would rather lie than "shoot me straight". I'm not excusing their words, their choice to deceive me, but I will say that a part of me understands. Because truthfully I know lying is much easier than owning your truth. Lying is much easier than having to say out loud what you really think or how you really feel. It doesn't make it right, but I know this to be true. 

I guess I give them grace because I know I've said things to people to hurt them. I've said things to act cool, to be perceived as unbothered, to not give them the satisfaction of knowing I was human too. But is that really good enough? Is it actually ok because I know that I didn't mean them? That I figured they would eventually see that I was just putting on a facade? That deep down my true feelings would eventually be seen? No. No, it is not ok that I was immature, petty, and a coward for saying things to people with or without the intention of hurting them. My behavior is not excused because of my intentions. We learned from "Sorry isn't good enough" and "We can't be friends" that even good intentions cause negative unintended consequences. 

I recently told someone that there weren't too many things that someone could say to me that could hurt my feelings. That there were little, if any, phrases or words that could penetrate my diamond crusted armor of self-worth. But you know what? I lied. I didn't mean too, I kind of meant it. I'm really into rhetoric, so maybe I was saying it for emphasis. Since I'm being honest, this very person had said something to me, and about me, that crushed my soul. But I was too prideful to admit it. I was too focused on being tough that I refused to acknowledge they had hurt my feelings. That they in fact had the power to do so. Admitting to them and myself that their words hurt me, was to me, exposing myself to vulnerability and showing weakness. 

Accepting that words have the power to hurt me, to hurt us, I realize that I have to be more intentional about the things I say. I have to learn to be quiet when I don't have anything positive or productive to contribute to someone's life. I have to be mature enough to not be petty, to not lash out at someone because I myself am hurting. I have to leave people better than I found them. Ever heard the "death by a thousand cuts" phraseology? It's used in reference to a form of torture practiced by the Chinese in the 18th century. When you or I say things to hurt someone, it is death by a 1000 cuts. It's slow and agonizing torture of their mind. Their self-worth, self-respect, and self-image slowly; but surely deteriorate causing unspeakable pain. 

The Christian bible says in Proverbs 18:21 that "life and death are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof". Meaning a person must for good or evil take the consequence of his words. I'd stretch to also say of his actions, but that's a different blog meant for a different time. I'm sure there are many scriptures and proverbs attesting to the power of speech. But the principle here is that sticks and stones may cause bruises that eventually fade, the scars rendered from an unkind word can be seen and felt decades later. 

In my opinion, words and time are they only two things you can't get back. You can't ever "eat your words". You can apologize, you can explain, you may even be able to logically annotate why you've said something. Mya Angelou said it best, "I've learned that people will forget what you said specifically, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". The way you made someone feel because of the things you've said, can never be undone. 

Ox.