02: Can't Be Friends
*While these blogs are all submissions that represent a truth that I am owning for myself. This particular submission is not directly a reflection of one particular relationship, it does not find its inspiration from any one soul, but rather a collection of experiences and people that I have loved unauthentically. For in my heart I know it was "The Bells" who I really wish I had confessed my truth too, no individual person is responsible for this revelation. I actually had a conversation with a friend who said something to me which made me look deep into myself and ask myself WHY? "On-Call Relationship" is the term that was used. So "San Diego Dispatch", thank you for helping me own my truth.*
So let's get into it... I've used this definition before, but that's because it's imperative you understand the literal meaning of this word, before you understand my truth.
1.an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.
2. end or object intended; purpose.
goal. Intention, intent, purpose all refer to a wish that one means to carry out. Intention is the general word: His intention is good. Intent is chiefly legal or literary: attack with intent to kill.Purpose implies having a goal or determination
Whether it's interpersonal relationships, professional projects, personal endeavors, kind gestures or malicious acts...intentions are everything! Hear me, Intentions are EVERYTHING! A person's intent quite literally decides whether they spend 6 years or the rest of their lives in prison in the legal system. But somehow we humans seem to neglect the importance of our intentions. Our ability to do things purposefully and intentionally. As if they themselves don't have residual effects.
Ever ask someone what they want out of a relationship and they say "I don't know"? See for me, the truth is they do know, I do know. Intentions are relative, as the definition says they offer purpose to our actions. I think we are afraid to speak our truth, own our intentions for fear of them being unrequited, or the risk of limitlessly loving another human being.
Think about it like this, What would it be like if someone asked Hilary Clinton or Donald Trump, “What are your goals while you’re in office?” and either of them responded, “I don’t know.” At that point, the purpose of their candidacy would vaporize. Their polling approval numbers would tank, and their bid for President would be over. So whether you're honest with yourself or not, our intentions are clear, it is our ability to accept them that isn't.
Without intention, a relationship goes nowhere. And FAST. You can only go nowhere for so long though. At some point, the awkward and sometimes uncomfortable "DTR" happens. Until then there’s really no sure fire way of knowing why you’re spending time, sending text messages for hours, or exchanging coy smiles with them all day; other than simply enjoying the attention. Whether you define the relationship or not though, eventually you become attached to them and they say, “Well, we're just friends" or "We hommies". Or something of the like. All the while you think, "well yeah I guess, but I didn’t know that because you never told me, and I never asked". We sold ourselves short. We were better off being comfortable than risking the uncertainty that comes with uncomfortability.
Now that I look back I can take ownership for the situations I was in, own my truths, and honestly say that I was not clear with my intentions. Hell I'll even be so bold as to say I didn't know my intentions and when I did figure them out, I either logically convinced myself it wasn't true or didn't speak up. I realized I barely, if ever, express my honest intentions. Like most, I thought I could avoid being letdown. Not just in relationships, but in life. Without any intention, I set no expectation on the relationship or myself. When you want nothing, you expect nothing, and YOU GET NOTHING. But let's be clear, even when you don't define a relation or mask the intimacy with the "friendship" label, expectations and love still surface.
Let's own my truth, maybe yours too, I didn’t want to hear the word, “No.” I've always contended that I preferred the friends first approach to dating, it was easier, it was more comfortable, right? But if I was being honest, I was just treading along safely, not having to openly express what I wanted. A defense mechanism that protected me from them, and myself. I would rather have been a friend, in a pseudo-relationship, than be openly and harshly rejected. In doing so I robbed myself of the security, love, and trust of authentic relationships. Whether platonic or romantic.
Since we're being honest, I didn’t think enough of myself to actually say what I wanted in a relationship. I didn't tell people when I wanted more or quite frankly when I wanted less. When I felt uncomfortable with our closeness or yearned for deeper exchanges. I didn’t think enough of my significant other to believe that they wanted to provide for me what I wanted in relationship. I cheated myself out of meaningful fulfilling relationships, time and time again. It's not that I haven't had a significant other, but I didn't respect and love myself enough to go after the partners I wanted, but instead settled for the ones I knew wanted me. I cheated them out of sharing, connecting, and growing with a person who sincerely wanted what they wanted.
More recently I've taken to hiding behind my illness. "No one wants to date the sick girl I thought". No one could possibly want to take on the responsibilities that came along with loving me. But really it was that I didn't love me, I didn't like me, more precisely I didn't love and like who the illness made me. So how on earth could I ever expect anyone else too? I would like to say that I didn't want to put another person through the pain and heartache that I endure daily, but I'd be lying. Really, I figured they wouldn't want too because honestly I didn't want too. And if I'm being transparent, I was scared that someone would love me despite having Crohn's, Lupus, and Dress Syndrome. That I would have to share with them things I've been lying to myself about for decades.
Like with action, even inaction causes repercussions. And in life you have to live with the consequences of either. I've learned that just because you don't voice your intentions, you don't put a label on a relationship, or you hide behind the label of friendship feelings still develop and expectations develop themselves. It's funny because I believed I was doing this to protect myself yet in the end, I wound up hurt anyways. I would find myself upset even when that wasn't what I really wanted and they had really done me a favor. Maybe it's my ego, but being rejected hurts even when you don't want someone. The irony.
I guess what I'm saying is intentions are like truths, until you own them, voice them, and accept them; you're really only doing yourself the disservice. Sometimes you honestly don't know your intentions until the time comes for them to be absolute, until the moment has passed, and you're sitting there heartbroken wondering why. Wondering where you went wrong and how you managed to find yourself in the familiar face of defeat.
I've lost friends, finished relationship, because they'd ran their course. For the life of me though, I couldn't understand why I was so upset by these ends. Maybe it was because they felt prematurely developed, unfinished business that hadn't been addressed. I've cut-ties in relationships before, because of my doing or theirs, but there were times it hurt just a little bit more than I was comfortable with. And it dawned on me, I wasn't honest about my intentions and neither were they. We may have tip-toed and tap danced around the topic but we never fully were open and honest about our intentions. If I were a betting person I'd bet, we were scared of what it might mean if our intentions were laid bare. Where it would leave us if we owned our truth. For whatever reason, mine likely being that I found a gem in a place I wouldn't usually look. Or that I was simply going through the motions. I hadn't expected those truths, so it couldn't be a thing.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. A fine line between love and hate. And an even thinner line between acceptance and denial. Denial doesn't only come when you can't accept something that's bad, but you also can't accept things that are good. Pause for a minute and reflect on that. We refuse to accept things because it is far easier to burry them and leave them unprocessed. I was in relationships with people I didn't like as humans, and I've stayed friends with people I wished to be their one. It was, it is hard to even accept that now.
But eventually the more I got to know them, the more I saw in them the things I wanted out of a partner in crime or the things I knew I despised. The respect that would never be there's or the love that I imagined we could share. The bonus was supposed to be that we were friends, we'd gotten to know one others hearts in a manner that wasn't threatening, that presented no expectations, and no perennial for heartbreak. Since we were friends, our interactions were innocent, so no matter how I chose no one would get hurt. How naive I was. Love is no respecter of titles, no honorary of your type, no perfect timer. It literally presents itself when it so chooses. It escapes you when you search for it and it finds you when you're hiding. The more you give of your time, your energy, yourself, the more love grows or diminishes. Someone once told me that men and women couldn't be friends because intimacy is "in to me you see", and the more you do that; the more comfortable, the more a connection builds, and the more you trust someone.
Today, I find myself a non-believer. It's not that men and women can't be friends, it's that if men and women aren't honest about their intentions, real friendship doesn't have the opportunity to survive. If healthy boundaries aren't established, if no one ever says out loud--I love you romantically or I platonically--these friendships don't have the foundations of genuinely being sincere human connections. Romantic love isn't the only love that exist and unconditional love doesn't only have to be for a significant other. And when you realize you don't like someone on a basic level, a level that you wouldn't honor and respect their friendship, you should tell them.
I was once in a situation where I knew I did not reciprocate a person's romantic affections the way they deserved. I did not like them as a person. I could be specific but the particulars are irrelevant. I realized I didn't and I stayed anyways. It was easier, it was more comfortable. I was very wrong for that, and I owe them an apology, which I've recently delivered. So if you're reading this, "Ask me too many questions", I truly am sorry. I was learning about me, through you.
While I don't regret the friendships, the relationships, I do regret not owning my intentions until it was far too late to save myself or them from the heartbreak of not having intentions requited. To love someone is not wrong, but if you aren't honest with yourself and them about the type of love you're offering then, essentially you're waisting your time and disallowing yourself the liberation of truth. So I have finally acquired the wisdom to know that I should give myself and someone else the choice of reciprocity, I still want them to be first and foremost my friend. But if I want more, then I should be honest enough to offer them the opportunity to be my friend with the intention of being more than friends.
Ox.
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