005: Heartfelt Lies.
Truth: tro͞oTH/ noun
Why as adults do we not tell the WHOLE truth? I'm not talking 'white-lies' or over exaggerating, I mean how we as humans don't process feelings or emotions or events that extrinsically shape us. The things that affect us on a level we don't immediately understand so we hide from them. When you broke up with her why did you say it was "you, not her"? When you had to let that person go you told them you had to "cut back" rather than they preformed poorly. Or maybe that time your friend invited you out for drinks and you passed for the 9th time citing, "busy work week" over "honestly I don't like hanging with you anymore". What is it about the truth that scares us and allows us to evade it, until its presence is absolute? If I knew the answer I wouldn't be asking. However, the curiosity of it reminds me of an article I read that likened curiosity to rebellion. Inquisitive minds, the intellectually stimulated, and sapiophiles all have mastered this ability. Questioning the status quo, the accepted truth, or expectation takes courage, as does telling the truth though.
It's like the saying goes, "don't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answers too", it's not the questions that frighten us, it's the answers. It's what hides behind those words, what hides behind those feelings that makes it easier to ignore than address.
In a society decorated with celebrations of "Adulting", truth seems to be absent at the basic level of interpersonal communication. The simple act of speaking your mind has become so taboo and convoluted with capitulations of feigned politeness. We are so terrified of hurting someone's feelings or being seen as 'different', that we deny ourselves the respect of honoring our truth.
I don't believe in a universal truth at a scientific level, though I don't reject its existence either. I tend to error to the side of a person's truth is just as much fact as anything else, because it is theirs. If it is true to you, then it is still fact in comparison. Just because your feelings or thoughts aren't affirmed, doesn't make them any less true.
I mean think about it, this concept is no respecter of persons or ideas. Whether it's as simple as you think someone's shoes are ugly or global warming is a thing, it's true to you so therefore it's true. We diminish and discredit these thoughts and emotions because we're scared of what they might implicate, the things both good and bad they may unveil about ourselves. It's easier to not ask the questions than it is to face the answers. The thing is, for me, my curiosity lies within the moments that we realize these truths for ourselves, and when we decide to say it out loud or burry it. Why aren't we more honest with one another? Why don't we say how we feel? Why don't we question more? Why do we go through the motions rather than being upfront and honest with ourselves and others about what is true for us?
At a basal level we’re very afraid of hurting ourselves, being different from who we think we are. All humans by nature desire to know, except for the depths of our own souls. At the heart of this conundrum is our fear. Realizing that we are more than the persona we deliver daily can be intimidating. We are scared of our raw unpolished, unfiltered, unapologetic selves. It is not others we are afraid of in the moments after realizing our truth, it is ourselves. In the end, we are not as worried about others accepting us as much as we are afraid of accepting who we are. You following?
I think the thing that plagues me the most is the passive aggression that everyone continually practices with not acknowledging our truths. We passively confront, passively confess, passively apologize, we are passive even with ourselves. Why do we tell heartfelt lies rather than just accept our truth...with ourselves and others. Why does the Wife divorce the Husband and say it was 'irreconcilable differences' rather than she felt he didn't notice her anymore and it hurt her feelings? Why does the Husband divorce his Wife and say 'she was crazy', rather than admit he messed up and she never went back to being the person he married before their problems?
It breaks my heart and baffles me. We'd rather tell beautiful heartfelt lies than admit the sometimes ugly, oftentimes beautiful truth. Even with good things. We realize we love someone and don't want to tell them. Fear, ego, expectations, even society get in our way of admitting it. We tell our friends they look nice when we know they should start hitting the gym, we tell our parents we've been busy when we really just didn't feel like talking, we say we hate someone and we're angry for what they did to us; when really they've hurt us so badly that it's torn us apart. We'd rather tell these HEARTFELT LIES than process and accept what is actually true to us.
It's a vicious cycle. It's like the euphemism, "hurt people, hurt people". We carry around our hurt, our hopes, our joys; afraid to allow ourselves to acknowledge them for fear of what they might reveal to us ABOUT US. In the process we deeply hurt ourselves and others, only to realize it when so much time has passed we no longer know why we're really unhappy in the first place. All the while building Pandora's box, locked away in our mind, buried in our heart. Only to be later unearthed when our own TRUTH becomes absolute.
I've realized there are some beautiful personal truths I have. For one, "if you bleed for me I will bleed for you". That is fact. I'll do anything in my power for someone I care about, no questions asked. But I also know there are some truths that I don't even realize exist because they're buried. I mean aside from the whole "I almost died" thing, I've lived a lifetime collecting emotions and experiences I never fully processed. As scary as it sounds, I want to be brave enough to acknowledge and own my truths. Whether it turns out they're darkly beautiful or pure as the virgin mary. I want to wholly and authentically be me. Exploring and understanding myself in ways I hadn't thought imaginable. The possibility of inner peace, personal euphoria, being completely and utterly happy with who you are-- All of who you are. This, this sounds more wonderful than it ever could be terrifying.
Ox.
Ox.
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