003: Silence.

Ever really sit and reflect on a conversation and emerge with such clarity it scared you? I have. I sent a long grueling email to a close professor of mine and in it I outlined how confused and sad I've been lately. What I realized is I've been this way for awhile. Enjoying the highs and feeling devastated during the lows. 

It seems even the brightest smiles have the darkest clouds behind them. I literally sat in silence for 4 hours during class. If you've shared more than five minutes with me, you know what a controversial thing this is. I couldn't speak because even with the inconvenience of class I needed to be still. I needed to sit alone with my thoughts and figure out what they all meant to me. I sat there while everyone talked for FOUR hours and all I could think was what's wrong with me? Why am I really upset? What is this familiar but so unfamiliar feeling?

Over the last year I've constantly heard how I've been granted a second chance at life. I should be so grateful. While I've always maintained that no one is ready to die, having a rigid soul sucking life after you've experienced a "normal" one doesn't feel like an even exchange. By no means am I not grateful, but I do feel an overwhelming feeling of "FUCK LIFE ISNT FAIR". No, it was never meant to be. I've heard the whole "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors" but frankly that's horse shit. 

You have no choice but to be strong. You don't get the option to give up unless you're ready to die. I'm not saying people in my predicament or worse aren't strong, I'm saying we are strong because we have to be. It is quite literally a matter of life and death. 

In my clarity I realized I needed someone to say OUT LOUD it was ok to be sad. It was ok that I wasn't happy with my second chance. I want to make it better but I feel like I don't have the energy too. I've been sad, confused, scared, unfaithful, and deeply hurt that I caught the luck of the draw. I have a rare disease plus two autoimmune diseases. 

I've been commended for my strength. I've been saluted for my bravery. I've been prayed for and hands laid on me. But never did I stop and asses how I felt about it. It was easiest to focus on the task at hand, you know surviving. Through all of it though, I've carried with me sadness and resentment. As one wise man said to me a "darkness" came and it never really left. Just showed it's face more or less during different times. 

So what has a careful reflection and heart-to-heart conversation with a professor brought me? A clear resounding "I need help". I can't do this alone. And my friends that is ok. It is ok that I'm sad. It is ok that I need help. It is OK!

Ox.