001. The Conversation.

Your mind probably went to the pop culture reference of defining the relationship-- "DTR", "what are we", "we need to talk"--etc but nope, not that conversation. As riveting as I am sure those conversations can be, I'm talking the conversation that entails telling someone something of great magnitude. I don't know say like, "hey well I have a serious medical condition and I'll probably die TWENTY years too soon".

How and when is that appropriate? Do you make light of the situation? Do you try and express how you feel about said condition? I promise you, although all those things go through your head, it almost always gets weird and awkwardly emotional.

Every time I tell someone about having a chronic illness I'm tasked with simultaneously doing THREE things:

• FIRST....Console them about me being sick. This perplexes me every time. As much as I empathize with the fact that you have to deal with what I'm going through I really never really know what to say. It's like "I'm sorry, you're going to be ok. You can get through this". ha ha I swear, I know people don't do it on purpose but you really have tot think about this when dealing with someone who is dealing with something major, try thinking of them before you think of you.

• 2nd....Convince them that this is a distant reality and I'm actually going to be fine. This one I don't understand. We all know that at one point or another we die. I know it is morbid but I've accepted the fact that we all die a little bit everyday and i'm just dying a little faster than you are daily. But this part of the conversation always irritates me. People constantly tell me not to think that way or to think positively. "Like WTF, you think this entire time I've been sitting here just thinking about how I'm going to die since I mean sheeeesh technically I know how already? NO, NO I'M NOT".

• & then....Assure them that I have accepted my fate and they should too. This kind of goes along the lines of the second step, but more so an adage to the fact that I have to convince them that I am in fact ok with what I haven't had a choice in choosing and I mean hey "if I'm ok with it, so should you". 

This conversation happens daily on smaller and larger scales most times without the dramatics of contemplating of how to reveal the news but always always always going through the three steps of comfort. Human beings are mystified with the concept of immortality, constantly chasing the fountain of youth and scheming of new ways to stretch out their time on earth just a little bit longer. I don't care who you are, how old you, or what you've been through NO ONE and I mean NO ONE is ready to die. It is like the paying income taxes, we all know it happens at some point yet we all get upset when its time comes around. No I haven't accepted death, I do not wait for it with the longing of reconnecting with an old friend. But I don't completely fear it anymore either. 

I don't exactly fear the unknown as much as I fear missing people without certain resolve you'll gaze upon their faces again.  The idea of not fully living terrifies me. We are all a summation of our choices but yet still connected to things out of our control. So I have a chronic illness, I will likely die earlier than I hoped. But not having the luxury of "plenty of time" to live a full life scares me. I had no choice in having a life long illness but I do have a choice in how I live with it. What I've come to accept about all of this is the simple fact that I will die one day and I will not live forever, nonetheless I have an opportunity to do things that can last forever.

xO.